20 Jan A good lesson from Dr. King in a meaningful place | by Dr. Michael Popkin
Atlanta is where I learned the value of hard work and persistence.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.
Learning is Fun!
We took our grandchildren, Jackson (5 ½) and Charlie (almost 4) to the Atlanta History Museum to see the new Children’s Experience the other day because like it says in Chapter 4 (Preparing for School Success) under “Smart Thing #2: Encourage Learning on page 124 of the Active Parenting: First Five Years Parents Guide that it’s a good idea to: Take trips to fun but educational places [because] Kids learn best by doing. Look for children’s museums that have “hands on” exhibits.” Kidding aside, our grandkids love children’s museum’s where they discover that learning is fun.
The Value of Hard Work
This trip was no exception. A lot of the exhibits were over their heads for now but may have lasting value later when they view some of the photos their “Melma” and “Poppy” took at the time. I’m hoping that this powerful quote by Atlantan, Martin Luther King, Jr will be among the lessons learned. It resonated with me, and here’s why. Dr. King could have said that he learned the value of being smart and talented, as he certainly put those inherent qualities to good use throughout his life. Maybe he was just being modest, but I don’t think so. I think he recognized something that too many parents do not. Telling a child repeatedly how smart or talented they are, is of limited value and can even be counterproductive. Think about what happens to a child who is repeatedly told how smart or talented they are. They may feel good about themselves in the short run (high self-esteem), but they may interpret this to mean that hard work and persistence are not necessary. That they can just glide along on their smarts and talent. What often happens is that they do not develop those assets and when they eventually meet challenges that are beyond their current ability to easily handle, they become frustrated, discouraged, and give up.
Intelligence and Talent
There is another problem with heaping too much praise on intelligence and talent. These strengths are greatly limited by what a person has inherited. On the other hand, character traits such as hard work and perseverance can be learned and improved beyond measure. No matter where a child is on the IQ chart or talent scale, they can continue to improve by working hard and persevering when they meet a setback. Almost everyone can raise their game no matter how low or how high their game is at any moment. Another Atlanta hero who is also featured at the Atlanta History Museum put it this way:
I have always felt that although someone may defeat me, if I strike out in a ball game and the pitcher on that particular day was the best player, I know that when I see him again, I’m going to be ready for his curve ball. Failure is a part of success. There is no such thing as a bed of roses in your life. But failure will never stand in the way of success if you learn from it.
~ Henry Aaron
Like MLK, Hank Aaron, one of the greatest baseball players of all time, must have learned somewhere along the line that brains and talent were not enough. You also need to work hard, learn from your mistakes, and persevere.
What can parents do to help?
Teaching children the importance of hard work, perseverance, and learning from their mistakes is something we have stressed in our Active Parenting and other programs since 1983. One of the best ways of doing this is by focusing our encouragement on the actions a child takes rather than just qualities like intelligence and talent. For example:
Hard work:
- I like the way you’re working on this. You are really coming along.
- Let’s break it down into small steps and take it one step at a time.
- Nice sweeping! The floor looks great!
- Nice going, Marty! All your hard work really paid off! Your canoe stroke looks good!
Perseverance
- I know this can be frustrating, but if you stick with it, I know you can get it. Look how far you’ve come already.
- You can do it! Keep going!
- Okay, let’s take a break and tackle this one again later.
- I know you can swim to the side of the pool, but it’s scary. So, what if I swim along beside you and if you need help you can reach out?
Learning from mistakes
- Do you know what mistakes are for? Mistakes are for learning! They tell us what we need to learn or work on to get better.
- Can you find your mistake? Great! Now you know how to correct it.
- I know it feels lousy to strike out. But everyone strikes out sometimes. Now tell me what you learned about that pitcher, Hank, that will help you get a hit next time?
Active Parenting Publishers founder and president Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D. has been providing research-based education programs with an emphasis on nonviolent discipline, mutual respect, and open communication for 40 years. He is widely known for his expertise in the field of parent education and has appeared on over 100 TV programs, including CNN and The Oprah Winfrey Show.
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